About 2 months ago, one of my former employers (an evangelical ministry) accidentally leaked an internal document. The one hundred and some pages detailed things that an upset group of staff said were wrong with the organization. It was mostly focused on teaching points, anger at anti-racist movements, and wanting to preserve the original mission of the organization rather than work for social justice. As if that wasn't bad enough, among all of it, there were actual people discussed in this document. People that were plucked out as examples of where the ministry had gone wrong. And I was one of them. Someone whom I previously called a friend wrote a harsh paragraph exploiting my testimony. He pointed to the fact that I freely shared how I found Jesus within my sexuality rather than despite it, portraying my testimony as a ploy to bring vulnerable students and staff away from the Gospel. He called me and my story a "troubling event" and called on the ministry to take action against me. Never mind that I left that organization two years ago.
It is one thing to be told that you are no longer wanted at a table. It is another thing, entirely, to find out that those left at that table are discussing your perceived "moral failings" around your empty chair.
Needless to say, these past two months have been hard. As I strive for healing and reconciliation, the demons of past shame whisper in my ears.
"Maybe I am not good enough to be a minister of the gospel."
"Maybe the 8 years that I gave blood, sweat, and tears to the ministry were all just a 'troubling event' to those I loved and cared about."
" Maybe I am not strong enough to cling to Christ amidst the church telling me over and over that I am not "God's best" for humanity."
...and worst of all...
"Maybe God stands with the homophobia, anger, and anti-justice rhetoric of the American Church.
And if that's true, maybe I don't fit in with God?"
This past month my panic attacks and sleep paralysis have come back like a swift punch to the face, serving as an easy reminder that I am not done healing.
But tonight. Tonight, I asked Jesus for grace as I answered the phone to talk to a grad school admissions counselor. I told her that my dream is to be a Biblical ethics professor, and rattled off my reasons for pursuing the degree. Along with my qualifications, my story came pouring out of my mouth. I told the admissions officer that I am gay, I love Jesus with everything in me, and I just want every other queer person to know they have the opportunity to know God too. Afterward, I sat back in disbelief of my word vomit and anxious that I had once again disqualified myself from the mission of Christ. Instead, she leaned in and said "you sound like the perfect candidate." I took a huge breath, opened the application, and thus started opening the door to the rest of my life.
And here is the thing. I am a great candidate. I am worthy of learning at Seminary and eventually teaching at one. I am the hands and feet of Christ, and not because of anything special I did, but because Jesus is within me and has given me a vocation.
The truth is that my previous ministry was wrong. My story is not a troubling event, but rather a picture of a loving Jesus holding a lost child, and reminding her who she is and what she was made for.
I was asked to leave that table, but with the direction and grace of God, I'm building my own. I share this today not to boast in my sense of self, but rather to say that you are all welcome here. The queer and trans community has been kicked out of Christian spaces for long enough. If you have dreams to lead in Christ, you can, and I can connect you to seminaries and churches that have seats waiting for your voice. We have waited long enough, brothers and sisters. The time is now.
I am not a troubling event, but a Child of God. As are you.
Peace, Steph
